Devoid of Meaning

So it has been... quite the while. It seems I've completely abandoned my blog. Busy or not, it's not an excuse. Well anyway, so far, I have actually entered university and started my college life for some time now. It's fun, yes, very. In fact, I think of my college buddies as one, big happy family considering those who took the same course as I do aren't that many, around 4 girls (including me) and 15 or so guys? I don't mind really, they are all cool people and for once, I feel as if I fit in with these people. We went to The Curve together and watched The Dark Knight Rises on the second day after its first aired in Malaysia then we walked around since it's already night. During Ramadhan, we iftar together, conquering the second floor of the McDonald building hahaha. And some more activities like playing games together in an internet cafe. To summarize all, I had tons of fun with them and looking forward to another (roughly) 2 years with them.

And tick, tock, tick, tock, it's already Eid ul fitr. In fact, today's the second day. We didn't go out, just spending time at home, mostly helping around and intended to start on with my interactive storybook assignment. However, something just had to ruin the moment.

It has been some days now or... years. It just recently occurred to me how life is never easy. I thought... that somehow, once I entered college, the issues I had with myself would fade away but they were always there where I kept them. Yesterday, I went to my uncle's house and most of my cousins gathered there. I felt so... out of place and when they asked me what course did I take, it rendered me speechless. I... didn't know how to answer it. I was feeling somewhat insecure as if, I was afraid that they would look down on me with those eyes... those eyes that have always inflicted a bad impact on me ever since I was a little kid. Those eyes and those times when they completely forgotten my existence kept haunting me from primary to secondary school. It pressured me to get straight As for my exams and to be recognized by the people around me. Regardless, no matter how much As I got or how much effort I put to actually change myself into someone that would accept, they were all for nothing. Until now, I am scared to face any of my relatives. I hate that feeling-- the feeling of being absolute nothing.

Then while we were on our way home, my mom asked why didn't I tell them the course I really took and upon hearing my answer, she told me how I am underestimating myself. I don't know about that, I mean really, I am nothing special, everything I can do, everyone else can do better. Even though I know, deep down, I want to know... what is my speciality?

I know this sound completely out of topic from my first point but it isn't really. What I wanted to say is... when I am left alone, in my room for instance, I am always left with the same feeling and question. Hiding all my true feelings when I am surrounded by people and they will surface much greater when I am in solitude, to the point they would some times become painful and unbearable. I know, I sound like whining bitch right now and I don't expect anyone to ever read this. I just... need some place for myself to pour all these heavy burdens. And believe me, it helps. At least right now I'm feeling slightly better just by writing this and hope I would soon recover from all these emo-ness for me to proceed on with my work.

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